I’m almost five months into this whole thing and let me tell you, it’s not getting easier. I’ve spent minute after minute and hour after hour researching, asking, crying, doubting and comparing myself. I was supposed to have it figured out by now. That was a covert expectation I had set for my self. Another unfair assumption that has me feeling like a failure.
I don’t know what I’m doing and in the hardest moments it feels like life or death over my ability to get my child to sleep when she’s “supposed to.” I admit defeat more times daily than I have my entire life. Doubt comes in to feed on Anxiety.
Lack of sleep is dangerous for the anxious. I have fought for my life at times, praying myself out of some deep dark pits and clinging onto the words spoken by God years ago in scripture.
Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean. Wash me and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness. Let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Ps 51:7-8
Broken spiritual bones aren’t a joke. I repent of pride on the daily as God kills the things in me that no longer belong. I know I won’t be the same after this season ends.
There is something I like to say when I’m facing a mighty personal trial and it’s this:
I can’t wait to know myself on the other side.
This promise of being rid of things that felt safe but harm me (anxiety/control) is a great thing to hold in my hands as I stumble through a path of rocky challenges and changes.
Now please don’t misunderstand me. I love my daughter. Being her mom feels like the greatest trust I’ve ever been given. It’s my own doubts that cause me to see this time of my life as a great call to action that I am afraid of. The call is to walk in freedom and the ability to tote the truth of who I am around with me regardless of the circumstance.
I can make good choices. I am wise. I am loving. I am a good parent.
All I have heard for most of my life is that I am not capable of choosing wisely. Every major decision and every minor decision have been met with a series of questions about if I was really thinking this through. Do I really want this? Are you sure you shouldn’t give it more time? These questions are better framed as: Is it really your life? Are you really that stupid? Do you think you know better than those who are older? Wiser? More experienced? More opinionated?
I am forced to deal with this now because Magnolia relies on my ability to move forward confidently and to even fail gracefully when I DON’T make the best choice.
So. This is parenting at 5 months old. This is my experience and it’s wholly my own. I don’t like it sometimes and wish I could have other people’s experiences instead. But my life has brought me here and I am best fit for my daughter learning to own it and not run from it.
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