The first time I expected to hear “Sheralyn, you’re not [insert young age in comparison to old age here] anymore” was not at 26. I expected to be 46 when someone would say to me that I’m not 26 anymore. But no. At 26 I heard “Sheralyn, you’re not 16 anymore.” I don’t think it’s an outlandish assumption to have expected to not hear that for another 20 years. However, here I am at 26 and have been having conversations with many of my fellow “mid to late twenties” ladies that center around the fact that I just can’t seem to bounce back the way I used to. This is extremely startling for me and I really think I’m honestly still in denial about it. I thought 26 was going to be my prime. I thought I’d be brimming over with the glow of youth and too much caffeine. Instead I’m knocked out after making dinner, don’t want to be out past 8pm, and my injuries are starting to linger longer than they used to.
“Maybe this is a personality thing” we said. Maybe I’m just more aware of my introvert tendencies so I’m not forcing myself into a mold of extrovertedness but I really don’t think that’s the end of it. I think I’m actually experiencing the weird unexpected flow of age and it FREAKS ME OUT. It freaks me out because I have plans, you know? I have plans to eat, run, work, learn, love, and be in community. That’s all in one day. When I was 16 that was actually realistic. The kind of crap I got away with in college ASTOUNDS me. Multiple all nighters sometimes every week for a month. But I bounced back. Apparently when I got my ROCK HARD 26 year old “I’m an adult and overly responsible for everything and everyone” muscles I lost some of that “I’m an innocent hardworking college girl with big dreams” bounce. The idea of not doing something I set out to do for the day or leaving one of the to do’s from an unrealistically long To Do List empty feels a little like admitting defeat and defeat is hard on the self worth scale, isn’t it? All of a sudden these big questions are coming up like, “Am I still valuable to myself or to others if I just can’t anymore?” Or “Will I still feel proud of myself if I stop doing this?” And to be frank, or Bob, or Phil, sometimes those answers aren’t pretty and that’s a LOT. I’ll hit more on this topic at a later time when I’ve figured it out a little more…
So, what does all of this mean? It means I’m out of my comfort zone and I’m making mistakes and adjustments constantly. It means that right now I feel a little like a stranger to myself. I’m slowly getting pummeled into stillness and fighting back only makes me more tired. But it also means I’m learning new things. I think all of us run into this dilemma in some shape or form. We’re facing a change and we’re not able to draw from the same source anymore. So we’re in a little over our heads but we’re trying. That’s the best we can do, isn’t it? It’s vulnerable AF. But through a miracle of grace I know that, like gold in fire, we are being refined and we are being redefined. This sounds a lot more graceful than I actually feel though. Most of the time I just feel like a ball of confusion rolling around and hoping I don’t smoosh someone’s foot. Let’s not pretend like this process looks pretty. Let’s look at this pretty photo instead and think of important things…
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